I, Ricardo, am disappointed with the world. Long ago, a man used Kool-Aid to take his minions to a higher plain (ah, double entendre…do you not see the greatness of my wit?). Of course, he had to use poison.
It’s like Jaws. Once the masses learned of this menace, they felt they must eradicate all evil from their planet.
However, consider this. Look at the Garden of Eden. God made animals first and then introduced that sub-species, man. Man intruded in my lair first. Why wouldn’t I get him kicked out by giving him the apple? Besides, the woman was a little silly anyway. All she wanted to do was talk about herself and her growing fig-leaf-purse-collection. She had to be stopped; she was going into my territory of useless accessorizing.
Now, because my species gave some Homo sapiens apples, we are considered evil. We are not that nefarious, just a little wicked, just like everyone else. Sure, we are also vain, but if you looked like me, with my gorgeous body that slinks oh so nicely, wouldn’t you be vain too?
But I digress….
Humanity hates snakes because of poison. I blame that on Jim Jones and Jaws.
It is my task, given to me by Liberace himself (squeal of bourgeoisie joy), to right this wrong. I will travel to humanity’s capital, Las Vegas where I might sit upon the mirrored altar of my master, and tack my theses to the mirrored altar itself. Then, humanity will learn that snakes are not dangerous, just poisonous…and a little ill-tempered when we have been stepped on, mocked, or dangled by the tail by an ill-mannered Australian who calls himself a crocodile hunter but is really just a man who likes to roll around in the mud with animals (have you ever heard of bestiality?).
I will mount the airplane….with my commune….my pretty little commune of Liberace worshipers who have, like me, bedecked themselves with little mirrored sequins that are so shiny in the sun (I just love it when they get all warm…it makes me feel all pretty inside)….ach…I have forgotten my heightened sense of taste….
I will mount the plane….
I will travel to Las Angeles….
I will travel to Las Vegas….
And I will conquer the world of snake haters and Liberace mockers who have no sense of style and compassion for a man who changed the world with his beauty, make-up, and mirrors.